The Fine Line Between Admiration & Stalking: Stalking Awareness 101
Like many women, I have experienced stalking. My experience of being stalked by my husband included him waiting outside my friend's house, following my car around town, going to my workplace and asking after me, and putting an audio recorder in my car. He even went as far as catfishing me online, repeatedly calling me on the phone, looking at my phone bill, reading my journals, calling my friends or businesses to check my story when I was away from home or out shopping, damaging my property, spreading rumors about me and defaming my character to my friends, family, and employer.
Some of my friends have been stalked by their intimate partners in such a way that they have felt afraid and had physical and mental distress. A friend's husband left knives laid out on the counter in their home, punctured her automobile tires, poisoned the family pet, sat outside her place of worship watching her family, and harassed her in family court. Another friend's husband digitally stalks her by observing when she drives through toll booths, watching what she watches on T.V., and monitoring her Internet usage. Another friend's ex-husband continues to stalk her by going by her home, leaving nails in the driveway to puncture her car tires, and lying to his family about her. Another friend was wise to be aware of red flags when a coworker romantically pursued her. She gave him zero interest, and he was angry and jealous. He left a bouquet of roses inside her unlocked car. He called her and gave her unwanted attention. He finally stopped when she clearly told him to stop calling her and "lose my number."
These are personal experiences and encounters that my loved ones and I have experienced to let you know that you are not alone and your fear and concerns are valid. Stalking is a form of abuse that can happen to anyone and is a crime! So, trust your gut and don't try to rationalize the red flags that an individual might be presenting that signify signs of stalking. Lala's Bedtime Tales wants to educate you on stalking so that you are armed with knowledge in case you ever or are currently experiencing stalking.
What is Stalking?
Like Domestic Violence, stalking is a crime of power and control. Stalking is intentional, repeated behavior targeting a specific person that makes you feel afraid or harassed. It involves visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, verbal, written, or implied threats, or a combination thereof that would cause a reasonable person to fear for their safety or the safety of others or suffer substantial emotional distress. (Tjaden and Thoennes) Stalking may get worse or become violent over time. Stalking may also be a sign of an abusive relationship.
Who Is Most Likely to be a Victim of Stalking?
A stranger can stalk you, but most stalking is done by people you know, even an intimate partner. A stalker may threaten your safety by clearly saying that they want to harm you. For female and male victims, stalking is often committed by people they know or with whom they had a relationship. Two-thirds of the female victims of stalking (66.2%) report stalking by a current or former intimate partner, and nearly one-quarter (24.0%) report stalking by an acquaintance. About 1 in 8 female victims (13.2%) report stalking by a stranger. (Black et al.)
What Are The Forms Of Stalking?
Stalking behaviors may include persistent patterns of sending the victim unwanted items or presents, following or lying in wait for the victim, damaging or threatening to damage the victim's property, defaming the victim's character, harassing the victim via the Internet by posting personal information or spreading rumors about the victim. Listed below are some examples of stalking that may help you better understand if you are or have been a victim of this criminal activity:
Someone following you around or spying on you
Someone showing up uninvited at your home, work, or school (watching you walk into work, school, or other places)
Someone calling you often and excessively
Someone sending you unwanted e-mails or letters
Someone forcing confrontations
Someone leaving you unwanted gifts
Someone damaging your home, car, or other property
Someone threatening you, your loved ones, and pets with violence
Someone that shows signs of untreated or undiagnosed mental illness or instability
Someone that weaponizes the threat of suicide as a manipulation tactic
Someone that fixates and behaves in obsessive manners
Someone that threatens to disclose intimate or embarrassing photos of you is often called "revenge porn."
The two significant forms of stalking that occur are in-person or via electronic mechanisms (phone, fax, G.P.S., cameras, computer spyware, or the Internet). With the advancements of technology, Cyberstalking has fastly become one of the most common ways a stalker chooses to harass their target. Cyberstalking, which uses technology to stalk victims, shares some characteristics with real-life stalking. It involves the pursuit, harassment, or contact with others in an unsolicited fashion initially via the Internet and e-mail. Cyberstalking can intensify in chat rooms where stalkers systematically flood their target's inbox with obscene, hateful, or threatening messages and images. A cyberstalker may assume their victim's identity by posting information, whether truthful or fictitious, to solicit responses from cybercommunities. Cyberstalkers may use information acquired online to intimidate further, harass, and threaten their victim via courier mail, phone calls, and physically appearing at a residence or workplace.
Although cyberstalking does not involve physical contact with a victim, it is still a serious crime. The increasing ubiquity of the Internet and the ease with which it allows others unusual access to personal information have made this form of stalking ever more accessible. Potential stalkers may find it easier to stalk via a remote device such as the Internet rather than confronting an actual person. Conduct that falls short of the legal definition of stalking may be a precursor to stalking and must be taken seriously. As part of the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act of 2005, Congress extended the Federal interstate stalking statute to include cyberstalking (18 U.S.C. §2261 A). (D.O.J.)
Examples of Cyberstalking Include:
Someone sending unwanted, frightening, or obscene photos, e-mails, text messages, or instant messages
Someone harassing or threatening you online
Someone following your presence online
Someone putting an audio recorder in your car
Someone monitoring when you drive through toll booths via G.P.S. or toll payment passes
Someone tracking your computer and Internet usage like what shows you watch on Netflix when you turn the computer off to go to bed or how much time you spend on social media accounts
Someone using G.P.S. technology to track where you are like, putting a tracking device in your purse or car
Listed below are actions you should take if you are being cyberstalked:
Send the person one clear, written warning not to contact you again.
If they contact you again after you've told them not to, do not respond.
Print out copies of evidence, such as e-mails or screenshots of your phone. Keep a record of the stalking and any contact with police.
Report the stalker to the authority in charge of the site or service where the stalker contacted you. For example, if someone is stalking you through Facebook, report them to Facebook.
If the stalking continues, get help from the police. You also can contact a domestic violence shelter and the National Center for Victims of Crime Helpline for support and suggestions.
Consider blocking messages from the harasser.
Change your e-mail address or screen name.
Never post online profiles or messages with details that someone could use to identify or locate you (such as your age, sex, address, workplace, phone number, school, or places you hang out).
How Do You Know If You're Being Stalked?
Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between harmless attraction, flattery, and admiration. Therefore, society's normative that we witness portrayed in media or are taught as women may blur the lines between a healthy level of admiration and the warning signs of harassment and stalking Therefore if you have observed any of the following behaviors, these are signs that you are being stalked.
Also, you should get immediate help if any of the following are factual statements for you, listed below:
Is he following you, watching you, repeatedly showing up outside your home or workplace unexpectedly?
Are they communicating in ways that seem obsessive, making you feel afraid or concerned for your safety?
Are they repeatedly engaging in unwanted Communication- phone calls, texts, gifts, or messages through third parties?
Have they threatened you or done something to make you feel unsafe?
Has he significantly interfered with your life?
Have there been any threats to harm you or a loved one?
Do they threaten suicide if you don't do what they want?
Click Here, Stalking Connecting the Dots, for a helpful tip sheet to recognize stalking behavior and for more in-depth information on this form of abuse.
What Are The Red Flags To Know If You’re Being Stalked?
Because people find the idea of being stalked ridiculous, it's easy to brush off suspicions as paranoia. The reality is that stalking is much more common than we think and can last for years. The average stalking case lasts 15 months, and most people know their stalker. According to the Suzy Lamplugh Trust's report, Out of Sight, Out of Mind (2018), 45% of all stalkers are ex-partners. You can stop controlling behavior before it develops into long-term stalking by knowing and understanding the red flags.
The following behaviors are not an exhaustive list, but they are usually the early activities for stalkers to try during a campaign of harassment:
1. Contacting You Constantly
Calling you multiple times a day, repeatedly texting before you respond, or commenting on lots of your social media posts should be a warning sign. If it seems like they need your attention at all times, they aren't caring about you. Likewise, if they continually ask where you are or who you're with, they aren't respecting your privacy.
2. Getting Your Details Before You Give Them
It's normal for someone to follow you on Facebook after meeting them, or asking a friend for your number is often considered normalized behavior. However, if they won't tell you how they got your details or show up at your home before you've told them your address, alarm bells should be ringing. This is not dedication or resourcefulness, but an invasion of privacy, and you have every right to tell them these behaviors make you uncomfortable.
3. Monitoring Your Activities
While most of us share our day-to-day activities on social media, we don't expect to be quizzed by someone new about a photo with a friend. Similar to someone who continually asks you about your whereabouts, someone asking too many details about your past life can be a sign of extreme control. This is a strong red flag, especially if they respond with judgemental or derogatory comments. If someone is monitoring your activities, then seek help from someone you trust.
4. Showing Up Unannounced
You have the right to privacy in your personal life. If someone repeatedly turns up unannounced on your plans, they may be trying to interfere or become a constant presence in all of your social interactions so that they can control you. Stalkers are even known to orchestrate events in which you need help. For example, they might steal your keys only to give them to you, saying they found them. This helps them feel like a hero, despite presenting a danger to you. Suppose their efforts are unsuccessful for a long time, but their attempts of harassment go unreported. In that case, stalkers might go to such lengths as filing petty lawsuits to manipulate you into interacting with them.
5. Gifting Unwanted Or Inappropriate Presents
A person gifting you presents when there's no celebration or holiday is another early warning sign, especially if you've expressed no romantic interest. One typical way stalkers manipulate you into accepting a gift is to send it to your workplace, causing you embarrassment and distress. If their affections are not returned, this can escalate into inappropriate and even pornographic presents. If you notice any of these signs, you should tell the perpetrator that you do not accept their behavior. Tell them that if they continue, you will report them for harassment.
How To Deal With The Mental Anguish Of Being Stalked
Fear is contextual. What's scary to one person may not be fearful to another. In stalking cases, many of the behaviors are only frightening to a victim because of their relationship with the stalker. For example, a bouquet of roses is not scary on its own. But when a victim receives a floral bouquet from an abusive ex-partner they recently relocated to escape will find this threatening and not a romantic gesture. They did not think this abusive ex-partner knew where their new residence was, which made the flower delivery terrifying and threatening. It is essential for responders to ask about and understand why certain behaviors are scary to the victim.
People react in various ways to stalking, from minimizing it to experiencing fear and stress. Being stalked can take a significant toll on someone. It can lead a person to feel a loss of control over their life and a loss of their autonomy and privacy. Many people experience high anxiety, distress or fear, hypervigilance, or worry that it will never end or that no one else takes it seriously. It can lead to health concerns, difficulty concentrating, lost sleep, anxiety, depression, time lost at work, and financial troubles.
As a stalking victim, you may have had a disruption in your career, social life, and family routine, such as needing to:
Change your route to work, work patterns, or employment
Arrange for someone else to pick your children up from school
Put additional security measures in place at home
Change the way you socialize or stop altogether
If you are in immediate danger of stalking, call 911. Find a safe place to go if you are being followed or worry that you will be followed. Go to a police station, friend's house, domestic violence shelter, fire station, or public area.
You Can Also Take The Following Steps If You’re Being Stalked:
Carry a cell phone with you: Keep handy or memorize emergency phone numbers that you can use in an emergency. If you are ever in immediate danger, call 911.
File a complaint with the police: Make sure to tell them about all threats and incidents.
Get a restraining order: A restraining order requires the stalker to stay away from you and not contact you. You can learn how to get a restraining order from a domestic violence shelter, the police, or an attorney in your area.
Write down every incident: Include the time, date, and other important information. If the incidents occurred online, take screenshots as records.
Keep Evidence of Stalking: videotapes, voicemail messages, photos of property damage, and letters.
Get names of witnesses: Be sure to write down the names of anyone who has witnessed, intervened, or been purveyed to your stalking incidences.
Get help from Domestic Violence Services: domestic violence hotlines, shelters, counseling services, and support groups. Put these numbers on your phone in case you need them.
Inform People That You're Being Stalked: including the police, your employer, family, friends, and neighbors.
Stop communication with the Abuser: Sometimes, stopping all communication with an abuser can be dangerous. However, if it is safe to do so, cease contact and communication with the person stalking and harassing you, but keep any evidence of the stalking (such as voicemails, texts, e-mails, etc.) for future court cases or criminal actions. If it is not safe to stop all communication, you may want to limit them as much as possible.
Change Your Phone Number: Consider changing your phone number (although some people leave their number active so they can collect evidence). You can also ask your service provider about call blocking and other safety features.
Get a Home Security System: Secure your home with alarms, locks, and motion-sensitive lights.
Moving Forward With Life After Stalking Incidents
Stalking victims report numerous severe and life-changing effects, including physical, social, and psychological harm. They typically experience mood, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress symptoms that require prompt evaluation and treatment. Many victims of stalking report feeling angry, depressed, hypervigilant, and having excessive fear and anxiety coupled with disruptions in employment and social relationships. Victims who blame themselves for being stalked have a higher rate of depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress symptoms. Those who ruminate on the stalking, catastrophize, or dwell on excessive terror report a significantly higher severity of symptoms. Remember that it is not your fault. Being stalked and receiving unwanted attention isn't because of anything you did. Recognize and release the feeling that you are not responsible for the stalker's behavior. Creating a narrative for your story may be part of finding normalcy in life again.
Coping by Movement
Stalking victims might attempt to cope with stalking through movement.
Moving Away- trying to avoid contact with the stalker. Creating a safe environment for yourself is essential in giving yourself a sense of security.
Moving With- negotiating a more acceptable form of relationship with the stalker
Moving Against- attempting to harm, constrain or punish the stalker. Engaging in a restraining order against the stalker or legal prosecution may help you feel justice has been served.
Moving Inward- seeking self-control or self-actualization. Journaling, deep breathing, tapping, allowing yourself to feel your emotions and express them to others, learning to trust yourself are all healing practices.
Moving Outward- seeking the assistance of other people, engaging your body in physical movement, and spending time outdoors in nature calms the fight or flight body system
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Stalking Awareness & Prevention Resources :
The United States Department of Justice: https://www.justice.gov/ovw/stalking
Stalking Resource Center National Center for Victims of Crime Helpline: 800-FYI-CALL (394-2255), Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. E.T.
National Stalking Prevention, Awareness, & Resource Center: https://www.stalkingawareness.org/
Cited Sources:
Tjaden, Patricia and Nancy Thoennes. Stalking in America: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, National Institute of Justice, 1998, NCJ 169592. The U.S.
Black, M.C., K.C. Basile, M.J. Breiding, S.G. Smith, M.L. Walters, M.T. Merrick, J. Chen, and M.R. Stevens, "The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Summary Report," Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2011.
Department of Justice. "Cyberstalking: A New Challenge for Law Enforcement and Industry: A Report From the Attorney General to the Vice President." Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, 1999, NCJ 179575.
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